The last 6 weeks have been very tough for me. In comparison to the many people whose lives have been devastated by the pandemic, it’s hard to admit that I’m feeling down.
I’ve been struggling to put a finger on exactly how I’m feeling. A mix of anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness. Like many others, I can’t do what I love. I haven’t been behind the bench for a hockey game in 14 months and there’s no guarantee on when I will have that opportunity again. The unknown that comes from that is tough to process.
Amongst everything, there have been some exciting and positive changes in my life. On March 11, it was announced that I had been chosen to be the Head Coach of the U18AA team in Stouffville for the 2021-22 season. I get to return and coach the 2004 born players that I have worked with since 2016 for their final season of minor hockey, along with some up and coming 2005 born players.
On March 31, I stepped down from my role with the Stouffville Spirit (Jr. A) to join Wes Wolfe’s coaching staff with the Cobourg Cougars (Jr. A). An incredible opportunity to learn from one of the best young coaches around and gain valuable experience working inside one of the top Jr. A hockey programs in Canada. I’m still shocked at my profound prosperity in finding this landing spot.
Although I will hopefully be busy next season - burning gas on the 401 between Stouffville and Cobourg (if you see a 2010 Chevy Equinox smoking on the side of the highway please stop and help 🙋♂️) - I still feel stuck at the moment.
Our life in Ontario has been restricted for over a year, which has significantly limited a coach’s ability to impact his/her players’ lives the way we normally can. We can prepare, but we can’t perform. We missed out on the teaching moments you find yourself in throughout the season. The moments that a coach craves. The moments where you can take pride in the position you are in and realize that you can make a significant impact.
I’ve watched hundreds of hours of video, been on countless coaching webinars and gone over potential team conversations in my head a million times - but we still don’t get to experience those real life moments. We are without the sense of calmness those moments bring. The peace you find in a job done to the best of your ability.
We are missing that release.
One person I was lucky and honored to meet this past season was Jeff Marek. And listening to his 31 Thoughts Podcast with Elliotte Friedman, he said something that really resonated with me and how I have been feeling:
“The thing about this right now, is none of these people really have any release valves in their life. They don’t. Things just go in and they stay there, and they sit there, and you can’t go anywhere. Like, sure you can workout. Sure, you can go for a run. But the minute that’s over then the stresses just begin again.”
Release valves; and a lack thereof. The constant thoughts rattling around in my brain over and over for the past 14 months without the ability to let them out and share with my team. Early on, it was great to have some time to learn new things and do some research that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to. But without the games and practices to actually share those ideas and be there for the players - without the release valve - the thoughts and ideas stay inside and don’t have anywhere to go. As these continue to build up, eventually you become overwhelmed and feel almost a sense of worthlessness in the fact that you aren’t able to help the players the way you normally do.
As a coach, you always want to do more. You always believe you can do more. But you don’t actually know what you need to do until you’re inside the team. Until you’re there doing it. Right now, we can’t be there.
Throughout my whole life, I’ve always had something to look forward to. That’s how I kept my mind organized a lot of the time.
“Just need to get through this and then we have practice tonight.”
“After this, I can start preparing for the game tomorrow.”
But right now, hope is a fleeting emotion. I find myself unable to get excited for things anymore, with the fear that it will get cancelled or ripped out from underneath us one more time. However, this needs to change.
I am doing my best to try and not fall down the rabbit hole inside my head. To exude optimism. To see the light at the end of the tunnel.
There have been many positive developments in the fight against the pandemic in these past 6 weeks, and although it has seemed at times that all hope was lost, I do see the path out of this now. Many Canadians share that same view, and are rallying around each other to get vaccinated and end this pandemic. It surely has been a team effort.
So, for those who have been feeling the same as me. Whether you’re a coach, player or just someone who has had the joy of participating in something they love taken away from them this past year, don’t let the negative consume you. It is hard, hard work - and don’t let anyone tell you differently - to continue to battle through each day and stay positive. The world has given us too many reasons to be negative lately that it takes effort to see the bright side. But know that you are doing enough. You do have worth. You are allowed to take a break. And your time is coming.
The time to look forward to that next game. Believe that it’s going to happen. And know that we will all be together to share in that joy and relief when it’s finally here.